Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My Dream Cooking Show
-01.gif) This post is rated PG-13 according to the Motion Picture Association of America standards. (Click the logo above for the standards.) Over the years I have had people tell me I should have a cooking show. I suspect my unique combination of my passion for cooking, my love of "teaching," and the fact I don't mind making a fool of myself makes a cooking show seem an obvious choice. There's only one tiny problem, though: I have a face for radio. (Think about it.) As you've seen previously, one of Courtney's best features is the fact that she understands me. And when she doesn't understand me she at least tolerates me. She is also very comfortable turning me loose in her kitchen. Perhaps it because a cheesecake usually comes out, or chicken nuggets, or something made with chocolate. I also may have forgotten to mention along the way that Courtney is built for TV. I determined that, since I am esthetically challenged, Courtney would be the perfect addition to my show! The next question: what should we call our show? I'd come up with a couple of ideas on my own, then Courtney tossed in a few suggestions as well: Cookin with Cleavage: Unfortunately, this implies someone will be holding things very awkwardly. With lots of sharp and/or hot things in the kitchen, you see the potential problem. Cleavage Cooking: Again a problem of perception. What exactly does this title imply we'll be cooking? I think Courtney's suggestions are probably better: In the Kitchen with Cleavage or Cleavage Kitchen. Nothing confusing at all in those titles and no one gets hurt. At this point I am quite sure some people are getting offended at these suggested titles. If Courtney isn't offended, why are you? Heck Courtney's offering her own suggestions! (And hers are better.) If the titles offend you then you must not be watching television, and cooking shows in particular. I have fond memories of watching Julia Child on TV. That woman could flat out cook. However, she would never make those stupid "hottest stars of the decade" lists. Her voice also tended to make people flinch. Those days are long gone. Your success on TV has almost nothing to do with your skills or abilities. TV is a visual medium, so you must cater to it. Brian once referred to a TV show on Food Network as "Butter and Boobs." I was left scratching my head. Who could that be? Paula Deen was my first thought. That woman abuses butter. I wouldn't be shocked to see a Paula recipe for "Butter fried in Butter with Butter dipping sauce" on one of her various Food Network shows. I know at this point you are wondering about the "Boobs" part of the title. I have never inspected Paula's physical attributes and I never intend to. I am usually distracted by her painful over the top Savannah accent. In Paula's case, her "boobs" are not a part of her body. Paula Deen's "Boobs" are her sons Jamie and Bobby. You've probably seen them on Food Network on their show Road Tasted.  Paula Deen's Two Big Boobs Click here if the video above does not work. There are plenty of other "Butter and Boobs" candidates out there as well. Perhaps the best is the one Chris refers to as "Double D's." She is, of course, Sandra Lee from Food Network's Semi-Homemade show. After Chris pointed out a few things, it all suddenly became clear. Semi-Homemade is based on Sandra’s 70/30 philosophy – 70% store-bought/ready-made products accompanied by 30% fresh and creative touches – allows anyone to take 100% of the credit for something that looks, feels or tastes homemade. First let's take a peek at Ms. Lee's background. She went to college, but dropped out after 3 years. She went to culinary school, but dropped out. She made her fortune (and got a patent) on an infomercial device that lets you make window treatments with some wire and a bed sheet. Why is this important? Here's why: She starts things but doesn't finish them. She's all about taking short cuts. But bottom line she's a home decorator (and a cheap one) not a cook. From watching her shows you also quickly learn she has a bit of an alcohol problem too. That explains why every show has an alcoholic drink in it, followed by a "tablescape." She color coordinates EVERYTHING (Kitchen, outfit, food, table) Yeah, you know the type. She was likely one of those girls in school who was at all the parties getting drunk. The guys would line up to take her home. Be careful boys! Once you get her home you'll discover the problem: she never finishes anything, and she fakes the rest. She even brags about how much she's into quick and easy things. She's got the perfect personality for a TV cooking show. Empty on the inside, curvy on the outside, up front about how easy she is, and leaves you with the impression that with a little alcohol, she's yours. Please put down your beverages before watching this video of Sandra: Click here if the video above doesn't play. I realise her boobs were on full display, especially when the "TV G" symbol kept popping up. Perhaps you didn't notice that she overfilled her blender. Obviously, she had the boys making her drinks for her. I realize Rachel Ray isn't high on the "hottie list." Rachel's got her own "talents." Turn your volume up and close your eyes for this video: Rachel Ray &40 a Day Montage The latest kitchen babe is Mary Nolan, who will have a show titledChic & Easy. (Umm, hello? Easy Chic?) Click here if the video above doesn't play I could go on and on, but just cruise this list of shows and you'll figure it out. So why would a show featuring Courtney (and me) be different? Well its simple. We won't "beat around the bush" about how our show works. Here's our show in a nutshell: "Today, as you can see, I am stuck on a deserted island, in a grass skirt and coconut shells. So I'll be taking this opportunity today to show you all about I know that desserts have nothing to do with a desert island. But Courtney's in a grass skirt and coconut shells. I smell an Emmy, or an Oscar, or a Tony, or something! So bring it on, Paula, and Sandra, and Giada, and Rachel. We'll crush you because we have the ultimate weapon when it comes to the greatest cooking show ever: Courtney's hot! (Oh and Jason cooks pretty good, too.) Lastly, someone offered this suggestion: Leave Courtney out and call the show The Ugly Chef. That stings a little, but it does have potential. I think.  |
