Tuesday, March 17, 2009

 

Jason vs. The Vending Machine

Many years ago, I owned a record player. I didn't have many records, as cassette tapes had begun to take over, but I do recall having Ray Steven's Shriner's Convention on LP. If you don't know what an LP is, go ask your mother.
There were lots of great songs on that album, but one I have been thinking of lately is "Coin Machine." Here's a not so great video from YouTube:

If the video above doesn't play click here.
For my job I teach on two different campuses. The north campus is newer and very nice. There's a cafeteria downstairs and vending machines on every floor. The downtown campus, though, there are vending machines on each floor but the cafeteria is down 3 floors, across the street and up one floor.
I have a fair amount of control over my schedule each semester, and try to leave time to get food near regular meal times.
Monday of this week was "one of those days." Being the first day back after Spring Break, I was running way behind schedule and had no shot at lunch. My 10am class ran fine, but I have no time between classes to eat anything. Then my 12:00-2:20 class had issues. They had a homework program due at 10pm and several students refused to follow my suggestions:
  • Plan your work before you start.
  • Don't wait until the last minute to get started.
  • Read the chapter.
The second point is especially important since the assignment was given prior to spring break, giving them almost 14 days to do the assignment. You can imagine my displeasure as a couple of students opted to stay past the end of class time, and thus dip into my "run downstairs and get some food" time.
After finally running them off, I realized I no longer had time to get all the way downstairs and back so I opted for the vending machine, or "junk machine" as I call them. Monday was one of those rare days that I actually had a few $1 bills in my pocket. The first dollar went to buy a bottle of Coke. I then took my last dollar and side stepped to the candy, chip, and garbage vending machine.
I looked over the half empty machine at the pitiful selection. (I fail to understand why they don't fully stock the machine. It's not like anything in there is ever going to go "bad.") I decided the bargain of the day was the two pack of blueberry Pop-Tarts for a mere 70¢.
In goes the dollar bill, I push the magic letter number combo and it spits my dollar back out declaring I needed to use exact change. I tried again, just to be sure, and got the same result. OK, so apparently the machine can't give me 30¢ change. I began to look for alternative: Snickers? Three Musketeers? Maybe. Fritos? Never (One day I'll explain why I never eat Fritos, but I promise you'll never eat them again either.)
For the next 5 minutes I played the "what can I get for a dollar?" game and I lost every single time. I walked away hungry and confused. Why would it accept my dollar if it couldn't give change for ANYTHING it sold? As Ray Stevens says, coin machines are evil.
For the next 2 hours as I was in class, hungry and now angry, I came up with the solution. Necessity may be the mother of invention, but hunger must be the father. I now hereby declare the biggest improvement to vending machines since the dollar bill reader:

The Screw It Button

I must admit the first name I had was not nearly as nice, and I doubt any vending machine company would write that on a button. But here's how the "Screw It" button works:
You put your money in. You make your selection. The machine informs you that it can't give exact change. You press the "screw it" button and you get your item and SOME change. The "Screw It" button rounds your purchase price up to the nearest amount the machine CAN make change for.
How does this benefit you? You don't go hungry.
How does this benefit the vending machine? Someone WILL pay $1 for a 60¢ candy bar if they are hungry enough. That's a huge profit margin.
I would have paid $1 for that pack of Pop-Tarts.
While I think the "Screw It" button would be a huge benefit to customer and vendor, I do also believe, as Ray says the vendors must hate mankind and every other living thing. It won't take long for them to simply stop putting change in the machines in hopes that EVERYONE will hit the "Screw it" button.
Then again, I may steal a page from my fraternity brothers, Brian and Rhett who started "BORT Enterprises" in college and undercut the vending machines in the dorms by buying in bulk and reselling at a "modest" markup. I figure a snack and a can of soda for $1 makes everyone happy (except the vending machine company). Muhahahahah!
Krystal Lovers get more in the sack!.

# posted by JasonJ1052 @ 9:48 PM
Comments:
Ok, Jason - now I'm intrigued! Why are Fritos off-limits for you? Sounds like something we'd all be better off knowing! Please don't forget to future post this!! Thanks!
# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 6:12 PM
 
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