Want to fix the economy? Show me the Monkey!

First of all, Courtney, stop reading this right now. Close this window and go do something else. OK, now that she's gone, here's the scoop. I know the economy is busted. the government sent out "stimulus checks" which promptly went into our gas tanks and thus to OPEC. Now they have this crazy idea of spending $700,000,000,000 to fix it. How bout if I told you that you could do you part to help the economy and it'll only cost you less than $15. Even better, you'll get back every dime you spend? Does that seem far fetched? Well it's not. Here's how it works. Courtney likes monkeys. Sean likes monkeys. And I'll admit it. I kind of like monkeys too. Last Christmas I got Courtney and Sean a monkey shower curtain and a monkey bath rug. They were very cute monkeys and were well received. Sort of. I then learned of this thing called "bathroom coordinates." Apparently there's some law that says your shower curtain, rugs, towels, and everything else has to match. To most guys this idea seems so goofy. This is the first step towards the bathrooms with towels you can't use. You know what I am talking about. You go to stay at someones house and they go dig out "guest towels" for you to use while there's several perfectly good towels already in the bathroom. "Oh, we don't actually use those. Those are just for show. Like those cute soaps in the basket on the counter." (The soaps on the counter aren't supposed to be used? Oops!) Realizing I had violated the law of bathroom coordinates, I decided to get more monkeys. The problem is, the set I had gotten only included the curtain and the rug. I'd have to start over. After a lot of searching I'd found a set of Monkeys at Target but frankly they were ugly monkeys. Click here for ugly monkeysI decided to keep looking. I'd never really hunted for monkeys before. Usually I just go to a zoo and there they are. We even have Monkey Junction down the road from here if I really need a Monkey Fix (formerly called Tote Em In Zoo, now called Tregembo Park). I had almost given up hope and given in to the ugly monkey rug when Target brought out a new line of Monkeys. I was saved! Saved by cute monkeys! Click here for cute monkeysI have spent my summer gathering monkeys. I wish I could say it's been more fun that a barrel of monkeys but it hasn't been. Monkey collecting it tough, often frustrating work. They're never where you want them to be. Frankly you can't depend on monkeys at all. It took a while but I finally managed to get all of the accessories above. I even waited for months until I got the rare Shower Curtain & Hooks. Click here to put cute monkeys in your shower.I then turned my attention to the towels. I had no idea there were so many different kinds of towels. Being a guy, there were simply "big towels," "small towels," and "wash cloths." I had no clue what a "tip towel" was and learned very quickly you need to enunciate very well when you say that. At my local Target, they sell the towels individually. They never had a full set in and rarely had more than one of each size. I grabbed what I could when I could: two hand towels, two tip towels, a bath towel. But then it stopped. Nothing new coming to Target. Then I saw the Monkey Tissue Holder get marked with a big orange "clearance sticker." Well no one ever wants the tissue holder, so I figured they were just trying to get rid of them. But then I noticed empty monkey shelves not being restocked. And I was still missing a bath towel. I went online to see if I could find one there. I then found that they don't sell them individually online, but only in a set.I decided my best plan of attack would be to order a set online and return a hand towel and tip towel to the store. The next day, as I prepared to order my set of monkey towels, I discovered that they'd suddenly been listed as "out of stock." Now they don't even show up when you search for them. I still have the link to them though. You can click and see for yourself that they're now out of stock. Don't get confused with the description. I now know that what it shown is not a wash cloth but a tip towel instead. I already have the wash cloths. (and I am a little ashamed that I now know what a tip towel is) Click here for cute monkey wash clothsI emailed Target and after a lot of emails was basically told they didn't have any more, so I should check with my local store. Why would my local store have monkey towels they didn't put out? Well because monkeys don't always go where you try and put them. They are monkeys after all. The customer service lady at my local Target said they didn't have any (big shock there) but since they still had shelf space and were still "in the system" that they would probably get more. I asked when and she had no idea. Apparently in the new world of customer service you can't order things, you don't know when stuff comes in or when it might come in. it seems Customer Service is only good for helping you return or exchange purchases, not in making new purchases. Now you see where our economy has begun to go in the toilet. (Get it? toilet? bathroom coordinates? HA!) I asked if she could search at other stores. She typed on her computer a while and said there weren't any monkey towels in a 50 miles radius. She then asked me how far I was willing to go to get them. Yes that can be taken two different ways. She meant the bad way. She then explained that if she found them I would have to drive to where they were to get them, they had no procedures for moving merchandise between two stores. Apparently customer service doesn't involve helping customers at OTHER stores. She was nice enough to search the Raleigh area for me. Nada. So now I have monkeys coming out my ears, but I find myself lacking one monkey bath towel. And with them putting monkeys on clearance at Target I fear that rather than them restocking, they may be phasing them out and "the system" just doesn't know it yet. So how does this all relate to helping the economy? Well it's simple: You need to go to your local Target and go to the bath coordinates section and look for a big green fluffy monkey bath towel. (The towel is fluffy, not the monkey.) If you find one you have two options: Buy it, hold on to the receipt, and then email me for further instructions. Or email me and be prepared to rush back to the store and grab one if needed. First one to email me once they locate a Monkey wins! The reason for the email is so I don't wind up with 18 Monkey towels. Monkeys are cute and all, but I think they probably get a lot less cute when you have 18 green monkey bath towels. And now I know I can't give them away as gifts because I'd once again violate the "matching monkeys in the bathroom" rule. The reason the economy is stinking it up right now is that money isn't moving very well. So once you find a monkey towel, I will send money to you. You will give some of that money to Target for that monkey. You will also give some money to the US Postal Service so they will bring me that monkey. (How often do you get to mail a monkey?) This is what is called "commerce." Since we're using the internet, it could be called "e-commerce." And since we're moving monkeys, it might be called "m-commerce." We will have done our part to help the economy, as well as save a monkey. And at $10.49, this is whole lot better than $700,000,000,000! (It's a lot cuter, too!)