Wednesday, April 16, 2008
You're gonna need a bigger camel.
| With Brian's recent declaration that he never really got brain freeze from the new Krystal Freezes, I began to wonder what the problem could be. If he one of those rare people who is immune? Is he acting tough and just saying he didn't get brain freeze? Are the new Krystal Freezes not living up to their name? I felt I needed to get to the bottom of this before I have the opportunity to get to the bottom of a Krystal Freeze. I tried to remember the last time I really had brain freeze. It didn't take me long to recall. Events like that seem to remain frozen in your memory, so to speak. My last brain freeze was due to Sour Green Apple Bubble Tea. By the way, I have since been back one other time, to try my bubble tea with "jelly cubes" instead of true tapioca (or "Boba"). The jelly cubes are not effected by the frozen beverage piled on top and thus do not get hard and chewy over time. So from now on it's Sour Green Apple with Jelly Cubes. My recent trip to Andy's where I picked up a chocolate chip cookie dough shake never came close to brain freeze. What could cause bubble tea to freeze my skull so consistently, yet a delicious shake had no effect? The answer was quite obvious.  Back Row: Checkers, Hardee's, KFC, and Sonic Front Row: Circle K, Krystal, Pop Taste Bubble Tea, Andy's, McDonalds, and 7-Eleven The first test was a simple length test. I started by laying the straws out side by side. As you'll soon see, it was way too close to call in some situations.  The second test was a diameter test. I lack the proper tool for measuring internal diameter. I contemplated simply flattening the straws and measuring their width like that, but figured my ruler wouldn't take precise enough measurements. Not wanting to invest in a pair of expensive calipers, I went with my own method: the insertion test. One at a time I tried to put one straw INSIDE another straw. If it didn't go I tried to insert them the other way. Since this method only allowed two cmoparisons at a time, I basically had to set up a "Sweet 10" bracket system just like the NCAA. There were quite a few ties: neither straw would fit inside each other. Also, the Bubble Tea straw was the obvious "ringer" in diameter, as it has to be that large to allow the tapioca beads through. In the end I simply ranked them 1-5, with 1 being the smallest and 5 being the largest, Bubble Tea.
I do feel the need to give kudos to McDonalds, the Cadillac of straws, for it's tri-colored design and thick plastic. Of course the environment strongly objects to the construction of McDonalds straws but they can take that up with McDonalds on their own time. Also, the bubble tea straw has a unique "biased cut" end. This prevents the straw sitting flush on the bottom of the cup and thus allowing supreme slurpage, but does always seem to leave a little left in the cup. Overall Circle K seems to have the best straw in general. This is good for Circle K since, until they return the 44 ounce Thirst Buster they will never earn my respect. My suggestion for Krystal is to introduce a "Brain Freeze SuperStraw" that is twice the diameter of their current straw, thus allowing maximum frozen throughput and litterally slamming the frozen beverage into the brain housing of their customers. Even if you don't get brain freeze, you may still get a concussion. While on the topic of brain freezes, I did want to point out that I had located another place that is claiming they can freeze your brain, and they don't appear to be kidding. This semester my lunch breaks on Monday and Wednesday are always chaotic. I have roughly 30 minutes, and since I am on the 5th floor, it's either the slow elevator or the slower stairs down and then up. Since I have to lock up my classroom, all of the students get dibs on the food places near campus. The Subway 1 block away will usually have 20 people in line before I ever get near it. Lucky for me, one day I stumbled upon a secret location. Inside the Cotton Exchange which is literally next door to my building, there's a small ice cream and sandwich shop called The Scoop hidden inside. If you want to go, let me know and I'll guide you to it since you'll probably never find it on your own. Because it is so hidden and out of the way, there's never a line at lunch time. They make most everything fresh while you watch. The down side is that it takes them a while to make you a sandwich. A meatball sub takes 15 minutes. The majority of their menu is taken up by their ice cream selection, much like the majority of the tiny shop is taken up by the ice cream counter. As I sat one day waiting for them to make the chicken salad to put on my chicken salad sandwich I saw something in the middle of their menu: 
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