Thursday, April 24, 2008
Let's go eye gouging, Gandhi!
I have been waiting for almost a month for these two cars to park side by side in the parking lot so it would make the perfect photo. I finally got tired of waiting and photoshopped them together. (Not really, I don't know how to use photoshop, and I am sure you've long since figured out.) There is a yellow one, who doesn't like the black oneYup, there's the red, black, yellow, and white ones all in the same parking lot. It couldn't possibly be a racial thing, though, because the red car has an "End Racism" bumper sticker on it, and as we all know, applying a sticker to your car with a catchy phrase cures the problem instantly. My truck doesn't have any bumper stickers. I find an overwhelming number of bumper stickers so be rather idiotic. The good part about everyone having bumper stickers is it gives you an advantage while playing my driving game Idiots and Buttholes. For example, I was behind a car with one of those bumper stickers proclaiming the brilliance of an elementary school student. The problem was, instead of the standard "My child is..." the sticker applied to the left side of the bumper simply stated "Honor student at [insert elementary school name here]." I thought that was so funny I took a picture of it, but have long since lost that picture. Why is it funny you ask? The location of the sticker on the driver's side, and the poor wording left me with only one conclusion: The driver of the car was an honor student at his elementary school. I don't know if this speaks poorly of his school or of him directly, but if you are driving a car while you are still in elementary school, you simply can't be too bright can you? Sheesh! Obviously, he fell in the "idiot" column. In the case of these two cars, it's even easier to figure out that these two go in the "Idiot" column. These cars had bumper stickers all over their back windows. The red car has 8, the black car had 4. The problem? They are BUMPER stickers. I checked, and neither car has ANY stickers on their BUMPERS. Both proudly display stickers showing the student goes to UNC-W. So let this be a lesson to parents who want to send their kids to UNC-W. They may teach calculus, and English, and marine biology, but they apparently don't teach what a bumper and a window are. Not all bumper stickers are bad. Every post here at Krystal Adventure has copies of my beloved Krystal Bumper stickers at the bottom. There are four of them and I cycle through them. I do not put them on my truck though. Partly because I don't have spares, but also I don't want to give an unfair advantage to anyone else playing "Idiots and Buttholes." Actually, I did see one bumper sticker the other day I might contemplate putting on my truck. It simply said: Why do they call it tourist season, if we can't shoot them?. In case you didn't know it, Wilmington and neighboring Wrightsville beach have a huge influx of tourists every year that apparently brings everything to a screeching halt around here. It's the eternal problem: We want to tourists' money, but we don't want the tourists. Could we get the board of Convention and Visitor's Bureau working on a campaign where the tourists just mail us a check and stay home? Anyway, speaking of Dr. A, his truck used to have great bumper stickers. They were not meant to be funny, but they certainly got your attention. As you may have seen in my recent post and accompanying video, Dr. A likes to play with Liquid Nitrogen. So he had all sorts of warning stickers on his truck. The kind you see on the big tractor trailers hauling chemicals. I've seen people purposely walk a wide circle around his truck or pass on the available parking spot beside his truck for something a bit further away. Back to my original point, though. I know the bumper stickers are hard to read so let me give you a better picture of the black car:  In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.Yes I know Plato says that everyone will think the one eyed man is nuts, but when he's getting the best apples from the tree and not stepping in the piles of dog poop, eventually, he'll be regarded as King. Everyone will speak in awe of his "Fifth Sense." He'll have a show on the radio (cause no one will need TVs) like John Edwards. The psychic, not the failed Vice Presidential candidate, who is coincidentally from North Carolina, and apparently people here don't want him back. So Gandhi, the problem is, an eye for an eye makes one guy the King. And everyone else is stepping in dog poop. And speaking of dog poop, the second bumper sticker:  Heck if you go to Dragon Con you will quickly learn to hate without having to use your eyes. Get in the elevator on day 2. You will quickly hate the smelly people, no eyesight needed. Why don't gamers bathe? I realize lots of them WANT to believe they are witches and vampires and such, but water only hurt the Witch in Oz. Take a fricken bath, people! The hotel gives you free soap to use! So as you can see (get it? you can see!) these bumper stickers taken individually have problems, and I could stop there. But I wont. The reason why I wanted a picture of them together is so I could finally put my Symbolic Logic class to use. Go dig out your copy of Symbolic Logic by Irving M. Copi. Flip to the inside cover. What? You don't have a copy of Symbolic Logic by Irving M. Copi? Shame on you! Well, at least you can use Wikipedia. But I expect you to have your copy of Symbolic Logic by Irving M. Copi by our next class meeting! So Gandhi says "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." The red car says "If everyone was blind, no one would know who to hate." So by applying the Hypothetical Syllogism (my favorite Syllogism), we can infer that "An eye for an eye leaves no one knowing who to hate." This doesn't sound like a bad thing, now, does it? There you have it folks, all those folks who want us to get rid of hate need us to start gouging out each others eye! And remember, the last one with an eye gets to be king! Everyone else will be stepping in dog poop and eating rotten apples.  |
Labels: Wilmington
