The Adventures of Krystal Kid: DIY Pups, Part 1

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

DIY Pups, Part 1

Recently I had a hankering for some Chili Cheese Pups. Sadly, I'm stuck in Burgatory and can't drive down the street and grab some. Slowly the desire kept growing until I could stand it no longer. I decided that if I couldn't go GET some pups I'd simply have to MAKE some pups. In today's post I will be showing you how NOT to do it. Tomorrow I'll show you a better (though still not perfect) way to pup yourself up at home. Let's start with a quick survey.Hands up, who remembers Lunchables?

Don't bother going to the "Official" Lunchables site Lunchables.com as there's pretty much nothing there related to the actual food.
I remember the early days of Lunchables when all you got was like 3 or 4 crackers, and 3 or 4 round slices of cheese and ham. I think they also included a napkin. How thoughtful. I always knew over the years they'd really "beefed up" the product line (pun intended) but I never paid much attention. Who knew they had tacos, hamburgers, and hot dogs?
You'll notice in the box above there is a tiny TINY window thru which you can see the "product." Well sort of. It's not until you get it home and rip it open you realize what you've gotten yourself into:

To give you some idea of the size we're talking about. If you click on the picture above to get the full size version, the buns in the picture are LARGER than the actual buns. The fact they are shrink wrapped also signals something you don't discover until you figure out how to get into them. I had to use a knife, which of course all kids carry in their lunchboxes to school these days, right? The buns are hard as a rock after being shrink wrapped and kept in a cooler for a few weeks!!
I unpack and unwrap everything and do my best at Mise en place. It is really quite amazing how much they can squeeze into that little box. I was waiting for a circus full of clowns to come cartwheeling out at some point.

You may be wondering about the yellow thing towards the bottom. Well after ripping off the tear away strip on the end of the box to open it, I threw the strip in the trash. After I had assembled everything I started looking for the cooking instructions. After I couldn't find any I decided to dig the little strip out of the trash where it was now buried under an empty chili can, and onion skins. (Nice placement of the instructions, Oscar!) Here is what the instructions said:

FUN TO EAT...NO NEED TO HEAT!: Place Hot Dogs in Buns; top with Ketchup and Mustard. Enjoy! TO HEAT & EAT: Place Hot Dogs in Buns; wrap each in a paper towel. Microwave 3 hot dogs on HIGH 25 sec.; let stand 30 sec. Top with Ketchup and Mustard. NOTE: Hot dogs will be HOT.

For starters, the idea of eating these things cold make me almost hurl immediately. Second, I had to pause for a moment and try and figure out if they had a 4 year old type this up. CAN WE Get A Referee's RULING on the abuse Of The shift KEY?
Wrap EACH dog in a paper towel? It's not enough to have the big clunky waste of the cardboard box AND the plastic container, AND the shrink wrap for the buns, AND the the Capri Sun, AND the smaller packets, now I had to also waste a few paper towels? Obviously Oscar doesn't care about the environment much.
Knowing that "Ketchup and Mustard" wouldn't be enough, I had planned ahead. I had a small onion diced very fine, a can of chili (no beans) warming on the stove, and shredded cheddar cheese at the ready. I dutifully wrapped my dogs and nuked my dogs.

In hindsight, I suspect they should have cooked for 30 seconds and stood for 25. I hoped the hot chili would warm them up. It didn't. When you can only squeeze 18Chili Atoms on your dog, there just isn't enough residual heat to warm anything.

The dogs were one bland lukewarm bite each. The buns were hard as a rock. The only thing on them that was worthwhile was the condiments. Looking back on it, I probably would have had a tastier lunch if I had just put the chili in a bowl, topped it with the cheese and onions and left it at that. The saving grace, though was that you get a free Capri Sun.

Why they feel the need to put a naked boy on the front of my "Fruit Dive" flavored Capri Sun, I have no idea. It was still quite tasty, and didn't have any hint of hot dog flavor! Sadly it didn't last long either.
I also got a free pack of "Mystery Flavor" Air Heads candy. It's still sitting on the counter. Mystery Flavor foods always make me a bit nervous. What if it tastes like butt? I mean I was in a fraternity. I've seen plenty of "Guess what this tastes like" stunts in my lifetime. I also wonder if "the new guy" was working in the flavoring portion of the production line, and the boss wasn't supervising very closely. The new guy says "Oops!" and suddenly they're selling "Mystery Flavor" Airheads.
What other industry can get away with this? Come on down to Big Ed's Cars where you can buy a Mystery Car for $22,000! After you buy it and drive it you can try and guess what it is! If you guess right, congrats! If you guess wrong, who cares, cause you still own it either way!
Bottom line: Put the lunchables back on the shelf! If your kids are pestering you for Lunchables Hot Dogs, you may want to put them in counseling. Or send them to school with a bag full of dirt. It's got to be better tasting. (and more nutritious!)
Come back tomorrow for an imporved version of Do It Yourself Chili Cheese Pups.Anyone want a pack of Airheads?
Krystal Lovers like hot buns.