Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Just helping out
| If you have turned to Krystal Adventure to escape the whole Lindsey Lohan thing, you're out of luck. I was quite pleased to learn that I am not the father of Anna Nicole's baby. I also have negotiated a deal that prevents me from releaing my Paris Hilton sex tape. With that out of the way, I am free to turn my attention to this whole Lohan thing. Since my internal clock is almost back to normal, I can watch the news when I wake up (about 6:30), instead of infomercials (4 am), so i got the whole Lohan thing right off the bat yesterday. With nothing else to do, except unpacking more books (ick) I decided to do some investigating of my own. The early morning news reports kept mentioning that Lohan had been wearing the "SCRAM" alcohol monitoring ankle bracelet. Every time they said it I could just feel the CEO of that company scream in agony. I kept waiting for the obvious joke of either dropping the R from the name or changing the CR to an H. Sure enough, first thing yesterday morning, the website was update and this was added: Statement from Alcohol Monitoring Systems, Inc.. please note the statement from Lindsey's lawyer, Blair Berk, that is oddly enough at the bottom of the first page of the press release. Hmmm. Many years ago, I had a class where we studied advertising. one of the things we learned was how use a critical eye when reading things. One of the best skills I learned is to not read what is said but to read what is not said. You'll notice the entire release is basically to cover the company's butt (often called CYA). Sadly, in explaining how their system works they've probably hurt themselves worse than if they'd just shut up. In this article a customer has apparently been lead to believe the bracelet transmits data 24 hours a day. However, that isn't exactly what it does. While it is true it will test the wearer for alcohol, it only transmits once a day. So by the time the company knows the person has been drinking, the wearer can already be stinking drunk. In fact, read the last paragraph of this article. Again, pay attention to what is said and what isn't said. No where do they say the re-arrest of person in NC had anything to do with SCRAM. In fact, once you know how the system works, you know that SCRAM had absolutely nothing to do with the situation. In fact that incident proves the SCRAM bracelet is worthless. SCRAM oes NOT work! This response to the previous article basically blows a hole in the whole SCRAM thing anyway. And this blog post shows just how horrible the device is and how it can wreck your life. I suppose the idea for the device is that the wearer KNOWS they're going to get caught, so it's a sort of peer pressure to keep them from drinking. Of course that won't be of much help after Lindsey has driven over 4 or 5 kids on their way to church holding defenseless puppies. At this point I am sure you are wondering why on Earth I am going over the top about all this. Well, I am all about helping other people. I see problems, and I fix them. That's what I do. It is quite obvious the people who market this SCRAM thing did a great snow job on the cities and states that bought this junk. (As Jarrett says, they could sell a ketchup popsicle to a lady in white gloves.) I actually believe it's cause the people who bought it are stupid, not because the folks selling the "anklets" are brilliant. In fact, it is also clear those folks are not too bright, either. After all, here's one of their logos from their web site:  In an effort to help the folks who made and market SCRAM, I am offering my services to correct a glaring error in their product's design. Currently, it is simply a monitor and does nothing as far as prevention goes. So you're free to get drunk now, knowing you'll pay later. That is the same principle as a hang over, and that doesn't stop anyone from drinking. (I can't tell you how many times I have heard "Payback is Hell" at a party. And that statement is usually followed immediatly by that same person taking a shot.) A simple design modification is all that is needed. Instead of wearing the device around the ankle, it should be worn around the neck. Instead of it simply collecting data to be transmitted back to some remote location once a day, it is self contained. As the wearer's blood alcohol level increases, the device tightens. The higher the blood alcohol content, the tighter it gets. When you go over the legal limit for driving, the device closes completely. There are many benefits to this new version of the device:
Most drinking games involve "binge drinking" which is the most dangerous kind of drinking. My new "SCRAM" drinking game is more of a marathon type of event. Who can get their BAC up to the legal limit and keep it there the longest? Hand the SCRAMs out at the door at your parties. Give prizes to the highest BAC levels, and double check the scores for designated drivers. Find that many days you wake up in the morning and don't remember the night before? Wear your SCRAM and you can go back and see what happened. Game shows like Fear Factor would line up for items like this. I am sure people would LOVE to have an item that tracks their drinking and sends them a report at the end of the week/month so they can show their friends. Many years ago, there was a restaurant in Macon (now closed) that had a Blood Alcohol Content (Breathalyzer) on the wall. Drop in a quarter, blow through a straw into the machine, and it tells you your BAC. It took about 8 seconds before the group of college guys I was there with to turn this into a video game competition. Who could blow the highest BAC? The winner was the guy who took his shot of Vodka up to the machine sipped a little, swished it around his mouth, and then blew into the device. I don't recall his "score" but I do recall that "legally" he was dead, according to the machine. Disclaimer: Krystal Adventures does not condone drinking yourself into oblivion. While that is a sure way to get yourself into a major Hollywood movie, it is more likely to get you in jail. Unless, of course, you have already been in a major Hollywood movie. Then you get to go  |
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