Yo! Congress!

I feel I must release the following statement, based on recent events up in Washington, DC, and Brian's latest blog/video:2-27-08 steroids Add to My Profile | More Videos At no time during my 17 year run of Krystal Thursdays and subsequent induction into the Krystal Lover's Hall of Fame did I ever, knowingly, take any form of performance enhancing drugs. I did not take HGH, steroids, or testosterone. Anyone claiming they injected me with anything other than a flu shot (or one tetanus shot around 1990) is lying. Hopefully this will clear up any confusion that Congress may have with my performance over the past decade and a half. I would offer the following advice for major league baseball and all sports, though. Many years ago, Saturday Night Live did a skit on the All Drug Olympics. (Go quick, as NBC shuts down videos of their skits quick due to copyrights!) The gist of the skit is that participants are allowed and encouraged to use any and all drugs they want to. While I do not condone drug use, I think there's a solution when it comes to sports. We can have one "Clean" league and one "All Drug" league. They will use the same rules, but have separate record books. There will be no hall of fame for the "All Drug League," but perhaps a hall of shame. Players can pick which league they want to be in, however, once you have played in the All Drug League you can NEVER play in the clean league again. It's a one way thing. If you are busted doing drugs in the clean league you are also banned from BOTH leagues forever. While it may appear that the All Drug Leagues would promote drugs and make kids want to do drugs to get freakishly strong, the players in that league must disclose everything they use. These will be displayed on the TV screen and the matrix boards whenever the player is on screen. Then over the years we can all watch as their reproductive organs fall off, their head swells to 3 times normal size, and they bloat up like the Michelin man and can't put their arms down by their sides anymore. I suspect that alone will be warning enough to kids not to do drugs. Watching a guy throw a 150 mph fastball would be impressive. Knowing he'll be dead before he's 25 sort of puts a new perspective on it. The drug companies will certainly buy advertising on the All Drug games, and hopefully shy away from the clean league. Thus I won't have to see Bob and his wife the dirty dirty whore, or hear commercials that spend more time telling you the bad things the drug will do to you than the benefits you'll get. We can run all sorts of PSA ads about drug addiction and prevention. The profits fro the All Drug games can be used to fund rehab and treatment centers for those who cannot afford it themselves. This may or may not be the best solution out there but it's better than what we have now. I welcome your ideas. But here's the real issue. Why are my Congressmen wasting their time and my tax money on this? I fail to see anywhere in the Constitution that Congress should be governing how major league sports are run. If the drugs are not outright illegal then why is Congress involved? If the drugs ARE illegal it seems to me that's the area of law enforcement and the judicial system, not Congress. Of course we know why Congress is doing this. Ever since Congress went against the wishes of 80% of the voting public and tried to give us horrible immigration legislation their approval rating has gone in the toilet. Teens and single digits and no signs of improving. So they decide to hunt down pro athletes who may or may not have taken legal drugs, claiming all the while it is for "the children." Anyone see any kids in the hearings? The only kids who might be home to see it are too young to know what they're talking about, and the kids most at risk are in school and missed the whole thing anyway. Since that is clearly not working Congress has now decided to give us back some of our money. Which is of course they hope will make us forget how worthless they have all been once we step in the election booth this year. It's election insurance for the incumbents. Keep in mind the check they are sending you is your money, not theirs. They are attempting to buy your vote with your own money. Think about that this April 15th. I think Brian is absolutely correct when he says Major League Baseball did nothing about the drugs simply to boost attendance. (We call it BITS: Buts In The Seats.) So now Congress is trying to drug us (with money) to help keep their butts in their seats. Yo! Congress! If you want better approval numbers why not actually fix a current problem or two instead of trying to find or invent new ones? Perhaps wrap up one or two of the various wars we're involved in. Maybe fix health care. Make sure there will be social security when I turn 65. Pass immigration legislation that fixes the problem instead of encouraging it. As my father is fond of saying: Why not make yourself useful, for a change?