Circle K or Circle Gay?

Strange things are afoot at the Circle K - Ted "Theodore" Logan Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure Yes, Ted, strange things indeed. All this past week I have felt a thirst growing inside of me. A thirst that could only be cured by one thing. Fourty four ounces of pure refreshment from the Circle K Drink Fountain. This shouldn't be a problem I felt, since Circle K's are everywhere. Oh how strange, Ted, so very very strange. Obviously my first stop was the Circle K website and then to the store locater. Type in my address and thenAfter I picked myself up off the floor I started to dig around and finally found the closest Circle K to me. Coincidentally up in Jacksonville, NC between me and my parents house. I had quite literally driven past it many times and never paid it any attention. I was so used to passing Circle K that it never dawned on me that it was now a big deal. I began making plans. I called my mother to let her know a very important mission had come up. They then informed me they'd be out of town. I apparently have been wrongly assuming the operative part of the word "retired" was "tired." I thought you were supposed to slow down, but now my parents travel more than I do. No problem, Circle K would still be open. The directions I got showed Circle K was roughly 50 miles from me but only 20 miles from my parents. I decided it would be safest NOT to attempt the Thirstbuster challenge on the leg to my parent's house. Forty four ounces and 20 miles is risky. I opted to do the Thirstbuster challenge on the drive home. One ounce a minute is more reasonable than 2 ounces a minute. Friday I had a meeting for work at 1pm that lasted 2 hours, so i didn't get out of Wilmington until 3. I decided to try a new route to Jacksonville this time by going up I-40 to Burgaw then heading east. This would drop me off right by the Circle K. On the drive up I could feel that familiar feeling deep down inside. Thirst. Like being lost in the desert for years. The kind of thirst that would drive you to drink a Fresca. But then, in the distance, I saw it. I pulled in. I parked illegally. I jumped from my truck and ran through the doors. It was beautiful.I approached it slowly, and then I pounced like a tiger in the zoo would stalk a drunk obnoxious pothead. I looked over the selection of cups. I never remembered Styrofoam cups before, so this was an improvement. Improvement for me, not for the environment, I mean. But then, after a double and triple check, I realized something was missing.The largest cup was a 32 ounce "Thirst Buster." (Or "Thirst Annoyer" as I would call it.) In a daze brought on by sudden shock and long term dehydration, I filled my 32 ounce cup. I went light on the ice, because ice is for sissies. Ice takes up valuable cup space. If there's ice left when you are done with your drink, you have "over-iced." You sissy! I walked to the counter and as the girl rang up my wimpy beverage she asked if that was it. OUCH! Sadly, it was. I contemplated going back for a second cup, but realized that would mean Circle K wins. I asked the girl where the 44oz cups were and she said she didn't know. She'd only been there a month or so and had never seen any there. I was stunned. I staggered out to my truck. That 32 ounce drink didn't last me out of the parking lot. Curse you Circle K!Once I arrived home, I quickly went back to the Circle K web page to figure out what could possibly have happened. One thing I noticed was that Circle K has recently been bought by a company named Couche-Tard. Call me crazy but who would EVER use the syllable "Tard" in their company name? I don't care that its really French and the company is French Canadian. If you do business in the US you don't use the word "Tard" anywhere in your name. There was a place on the website to send in comments, questions, and complaints. I immediately submitted the following to the C-tards: Where are the 44oz Thirstbusters?!? Yesterday I drove 100 miles round trip to my closest Circle K in Jacksonville, NC only to find the largest Thirstbuster they sell is a mere 32ounces. That really wasn't worth the trip. I went home sad, and a bit thirsty. I have also found that apparently Seven Eleven has merged stores with Circle K out west. Apparently the Thirstbuster and 7-eleven's Big Gulp slept together and have had a baby. It's called the Extreme Gulp. A full 52 ounce beverage in a sturdy "mug." It doesn't scare me, though. You see, I have a super power. I have a bladder the size of a walrus. You may think this is a rather useless super power, but if so you apparently have forgotten Strange Brew. Oh yes, I, too, could put out the fire at the Institute and defeat Brewmeister Smith if I had to. ("Geez, I've gotta take a leak so bad, I can taste it!") Sadly, it appears there aren't any 7-elevens anywhere near me either, according to their store locator. Curse you, too, 7-eleven!